I RECENTLY worked out I could have been married three times. I also worked
out how many times I would have been divorced. Yes, you guessed it, three.

So what have I learned from this? It could be two things: it's all women's
fault (which is what I am leaning towards) or I am hopeless at finding a
partner.

Given the number of divorces is roughly 50,000, it seems I have something in
common with 100,000 people in Australia every year - they also have no idea
how to choose the perfect partner.

But it seems to me countries in the Middle East, Africa and Asia have the
right idea - arranged marriages.

Over there, if a son or daughter refuses the choice, he or she may be
punished, or in rare cases, killed.

A little harsh, one may argue, but a great incentive not to get divorced at
the drop of a hat.

Arranged marriages make sense. Why not let someone else do the dirty work
for you?

If your parents were smart enough to produce you, surely they can be trusted
to find you a spouse?

As one female emailer said: "I was discussing with my girlfriends how lazy
our parents had become.

What happened to the days when it was their purpose and duty to have you
married off?

"A potential line of suitors to weed through would be quite nice and, at the
very least, entertaining."

Can't argue with that logic.

Perhaps parents can consult your friends - how many times have you broken up
with someone, only to learn your mates or parents thought he or she was all
wrong for you?

Given the time and money we spend on finding the perfect person - internet
dating, speed dating and so on - why not shift the responsibility (and
blame) to parents?

And there is a great incentive for parents to pick the right one - it gets
you out of the house before your mid-50s.

And the thing about arranged marriages is they force you to get to know the
person and (I hate this word) work at a relationship.

Imagine growing to love someone rather than growing to hate them? Yes, it's
an unusual idea . . . and it may just take off.

And surely your relatives are in the best position to choose a spouse.

Like my gran thinks I am the handsomest, most intelligent guy in the world
(and who am I to argue - she is old and obviously most wise), but it's a
shame she doesn't hang out with the 30s crowd because she could make a great
sales pitch for me.

And your friends will love the idea. There will be no more, "Do you think
they like me? Why won't they ring? What's wrong with me"?

Or phone calls such as, "I have met the one . . . no, seriously, I have".

And there will be no more bad, smelly or freaky dates.

No, your parents can sort through the riffraff - and it will give them
something to do in their old age.

And imagine not seeing your partner before your wedding day.

The excitement of lifting off the wedding veil for the first time - will it
be a life sentence with a beautiful person or be, as Meatloaf would say,
"praying for the end of time so I can end my time with you"?

Yes, I am getting far too lazy to find myself a wife.

So, any parents out there with daughters, I am happy to be available for
interviews.

But, just quietly, can you send me a photo first?

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