Ok, so one some level despite the hope I would be wrong my intuition could
not have been more correct. I got dumped by the guy I was seeing. Not for
the reasons that were spoken but for other reasons that were not spoken. The
interesting fact is that I should have known this was a game and I should
have never played:but how does one tell?

As you might imagine from what I post on here, I am pretty emotionally
honest and I really do not know any other way to be. It has been more than 6
years since I ended a 10 year relationship and pursued the joys associated
with intentional fatherhood. I have learned to love myself and who I have
become. I have learned that I am the constant in my children's life and so
long as I am there to provide the consistency and the presence they are much
better at handling things than I often give them credit for.

As I had written previously I had met a man who being quite honest, I could
see a future with. However, I was unsure if the price of a lifetime ticket
was too high for him on this merry go round of fatherhood. I will admit that
this is the first time I had ever experienced love at first sight and the
feelings were intense for me. Retrospectively, I presume that I was ready
for love in addition to my role as father and this man definitely, knew all
the right things to say.

Now there are 2 definite camps on the dating scene when it comes to the
kids. I have been resident in both at one point or another. Camp one think s
that until there is a significant chance of success in the relationship the
kids should not be involved and should not meet the person until there is
confirmation. The other camp uses the trial by fire method. Hey throw them
in and see of they swim otherwise why should I spend time, effort and money
on babysitters? I guess I have stabilized into the comfortable grey area
that I navigate through with the first year law school answer "It Depends".
I think you have to know yourself, your kids and be able to handle it.

The interesting thing is that kids handle relationships better than we do as
adults. They are emotionally fearless. They are emotionally honest, they
love the way we all should and they are resilient. Lastly, there are no
emotional games that are played. They merely love with the simplicity that
we should all do with out the trapping of fear and deceit that accompany
some adult relationships.

As I had written previously this man and I had a hell of a connection.
However, that was lost overseas by the allure of gay life. One week at a gay
event and the rediscovery of his popularity, how everyone remarked at this
body "wanted him" and all the friends made. Forgotten was the request made
by him for me to not date others. Silly me for not being able to compete
with that; how can diapers, runny noses, and a demand of emotional honesty
compete with that. I have said it a 1000 times; I was not cut out for this
gay life. I am just simple guy who happens to love men and just wanted to be
a dad.

Now, I remember back to the weekend I got the call about Ben. I can say you
are never prepared for the call and the day it happens your whole life
changes. I was leaving for Paris for a long weekend when they called to tell
me that I had a son. Quickly the trip turned into a disaster and I was on my
way in the car to a Hotel in Vermont to digest what was about to happen. I
remember being in the hotel with 360 degree views of the Adirondacks
watching the sun come up and knowing that I was giving up an old self and
about to become a new self , the person I was meant to be. I have never
looked back and I actually am a better person for being a father. I am
enriched beyond belief and at the same time I am consistently disappointed
by the general attitude of the men that I meet who are in my age bracket. I
will be 42 this Thursday. I was supposed to have dinner with Luis, but that
will not happen.

I am not sure any of this makes sense and perhaps some day I will make sense
of it. For those of you who are single: the price of our ticket is high but
priceless. For those afraid to love and get on the marry- go- round, there
are plenty of adult games to play, I will stick to chutes and ladders.

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