Relationships, love and in particular jealousy and present each of uswith a unique opportunity to better understand ourselves. Jealousyis most often the result of attachment and expectations, beliefs,projections, delusions, envy, guilt and low of self-esteem.

What do you do when you're jealous? You may try to find out if yourlover has been with someone else. If he or she has, you might gointo a rage. It is a fairly common and immediate response. You areangry. You feel violated. You want revenge. You want to stop whatis happening, control the situation, and manipulate whatever you canto protect yourself.

If you can cool down, if you can control this internal, knee jerkreaction, you just might discover that you have an alternative.Often, what feels like jealousy really is a lack of communication.When we leave our needs unspoken, they can lie in wait like acrouching tiger until someone, something or some event exposes them. It is essential to communicate very clearly and explicitly with yourpartner about your needs and expectations.

It is important to understand the distinct difference between lovingand being attached. It is an important distinction because sofrequently what we call love is really attachment.

Loving someone means loving the uniqueness of that person. Attachment is quite different. You can love your partner and want tosee them thrive, enjoy, and grow. You want to see them become moreof who they are. That's the truth of love. On the other hand, youmay want your partner conform to a preconceived idea of what youthink they should be or perhaps to what is convenient or comfortablefor you. That is Attachment. This is a distinction that needs tobe understood before you can understand your relationship or whatneeds to be done.

If your relationship is based on Attachment, you will quicklydiscover and experience the pain of jealousy. Our life, oursurroundings and the people around us mirror what is going on insideus. If you are angry, you will find yourself living in an angryworld. You will see the anger in all the people around you and youwill feel it. Perhaps in your situation it isn’t anger, but insteadit is depression or fear or jealously. What you focus on is what youget. Wouldn’t it be far more enjoyable to feel and focus on joy,happiness, fulfillment and love?

Mirrors are a good thing because they give us an opportunity toobserve what is going on in ourselves and take care of it. Whateverillusions you may have as to who is to blame or who is at fault, thejealousy is within you, a mirror of what is going on inside you.

Attempting to manipulate and control your lover is a poor solution. Manipulation of your partner is an external attempt to “fix” aninternal problem. Looking inward, you can use the situation thatcaused the jealousy to bubble up into your consciousness as anopportunity to clarify communication between the two of you, tobetter understand yourself and your partner.

Jealousy is like an onion, layers of misunderstanding, misperceptionsand misleading which can be overwhelming and so difficult that itmakes you cry. When you attempt to blame and control your partner,you refuse to acknowledge that these layers are within you. If youwork at peeling off the layers, you can reach the core of theproblem, you can achieve the possibility of self-understanding andfreedom from the hurt and pain.

The first layer is your subconscious ideas and feelings about how oneis supposed to act in a relationship. What do you believe and wheredoes this belief come from? Do you believe that your partner is yourpossession? Can one person actually be the possession of another? Should they be? If you believe that you must possess the otherperson, then you are not in a loving relationship. Whatever controlyou think you exert over your partner, you cannot really touch theinner uniqueness that comprises a human being. You may occasionallycontrol your partner, but you cannot make a person love you.

As you continue to go deeper inside you reveal even more layers ofthis “onion” including projection, envy and guilt. By peeling awaythese layers, you can reach awareness. Projection, envy, and guiltare nothing more than pointers to the truth behind your feelings. Becoming aware of what you are actually feeling and discovering thesource behind it can give you the power to alleviate the pain. Ifyou can reveal the true feelings, separate them from the perceivedjealously, it is possible to relieve the pain.

If you would like to read this article in its entirety, visitwww.newhynotherapy.com and remember, you do not need to experiencejealously. You do not need to control another and you do not need tobe afraid. You can choose to move away from those feelings. You canexperience love itself deeper and deeper within its own fullness.

Linda Simmon, C.Ht.

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